Cringing, I listened as my nephew rehashed the time I lost my cool at my father’s funeral. Although everyone laughed at the memory, I still regret how I jumped to conclusions and lost my temper with my brother.

Conflicts with others deeply affect us. Just like a pianist who strikes a wrong note, or a vocalist who sings off key, disharmony in relationships grabs our attention and sets us on edge. Fortunately, in his letter James gives us a roadmap for navigating relationship conflicts. In these verses we find three tips for living in harmony with each other:

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. (James 1:19-20 NIV)

 Quick to listen: In Greek, the word listen includes the idea of comprehension. When we are quick to listen, we choose to lean in and understand the other person’s point of view.

Slow to speak: Once spoken, words live in the memories of those who hear them. James encourages us to take the time to carefully consider our words.

Slow to become angry: Although James doesn’t rule out an angry response, he warns us to wait before reacting. Prematurely giving into our angry impulses leads to words and actions we often regret.

 As I think back to my father’s funeral, I did exactly the opposite of what James advises. When my brother and I disagreed, I didn’t listen to understand; I wanted him to agree with me. After quickly giving way to my anger, I spoke rash words I later regretted. My outburst remains the strongest memory we have of that day ~ a fact which still breaks my heart.

I believe James intended to spare us these types of painful regrets. Lately, I’ve grown to appreciate his wise words. Listening to understand guides me in all my interactions with family members, co-workers, friends, and strangers. They work in face-to-face, digital, or social media conversations. 

Holding my tongue so I can truly listen to another’s point of view does not come naturally. Learning to ask for clarification in email correspondence takes time. Pausing before reacting delays my response in a social media chat. But in the end, these decisions protect the harmony of my relationships.

Even when I forget to apply James’ advice, his words can still lead to reconciliation. After my father’s funeral, I reached out to my brother. As we listened to understand each other’s perspective, we found our way back to a harmonious relationship. 

When we listen to understand, carefully weigh our words, and delay our responses, we can disagree and still live in harmony with each other. In doing so, our lives will reflect the righteousness God desires.

Wherever our travels take us next, I’m sure we will encounter conflicts with others. As we do, I pray the words of James will lead us to harmony.