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How Can I Love Someone Who Constantly Gets On My Last Nerve?
February 23, 2023
Biting my lips, I smiled and miraculously managed to hold back the critical words forming on my tongue. I had a long history with this individual. And while I could say I felt a genuine concern for her, our personalities definitely clashed. As a Christian, I know Jesus calls us to love our neighbor (Mark 12:31). But how can I love someone who constantly gets on my last nerve?
Before I studied the Bible and came to faith in Jesus, I remember seeing these words on a plaque in a friend’s house:
Love is not an emotion, it is a decision to care forever.
“How ridiculous!” I remember thinking, “Everyone knows love is an emotion!”
With the limited knowledge and understanding of an unspiritual twenties-something young professional, I could not fathom love being anything other than a feeling. “How in the world,” I wondered, “can you decide to love someone?”
After studying the Bible over the last three decades, I’ve gained some spiritual insights. I now know love is both an emotion, and a decision.
Part of the confusion for those of us who speak English is that we only have only one word to describe very different types of love:
We love (have an appreciation for) ice-cream and puppies.
We love (have a concern for the welfare of) people like our children, parents, and friends.
We love (have romantic feelings for) our spouses.
The Greek language uses three different words to describe these variations of love: eros (romantic love), phílos (brotherly or friendship love), and agapé (concern for the welfare of others).
Interestingly, the word eros does not appear in the New Testament. Of the remaining two words, agapé (and its verb form agapáō) is used over 200 times. It describes the love God has for people, and the love people have for one another. True agapé carries a connotation for both action and emotion. It is the word the Apostle Paul used in his well-known description of love:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV)
Paul’s description shows me how love can be a decision. I may not feel loving, but I can choose to be loving when I:
- decide to be patient or kind
- refuse to desire something that doesn’t belong to me
- stay humble and focus on the needs of the other person
- show respect by the way I treat and talk about the other person
- control my anger
- decline to hold a grudge
- give the other person the benefit of the doubt
- pray for the other person
None of the above requires me to feel loving. But when I practice these principles, I make the decision to love the other person.
I can’t say it has been easy to extend love to someone who inexplicably rubs me the wrong way. Sometimes I give in to my sinful nature and react in unloving ways. But I am making progress. And the more I decide to love, the more loving I feel.
Wherever our roads lead us, we will undoubtedly run into people who will be difficult for us to love. May we make the decision to love these people and so honor the One who loves us.
How Can I Love Someone Who Constantly Gets On My Last Nerve?
February 23, 2023
Biting my lips, I smiled and miraculously managed to hold back the critical words forming on my tongue. I had a long history with this individual. And while I could say I felt a genuine concern for her, our personalities definitely clashed. As a Christian, I know Jesus calls us to love our neighbor (Mark 12:31). But how can I love someone who constantly gets on my last nerve?
Before I studied the Bible and came to faith in Jesus, I remember seeing these words on a plaque in a friend’s house:
Love is not an emotion, it is a decision to care forever.
“How ridiculous!” I remember thinking, “Everyone knows love is an emotion!”
With the limited knowledge and understanding of an unspiritual twenties-something young professional, I could not fathom love being anything other than a feeling. “How in the world,” I wondered, “can you decide to love someone?”
After studying the Bible over the last three decades, I’ve gained some spiritual insights. I now know love is both an emotion, and a decision.
Part of the confusion for those of us who speak English is that we only have only one word to describe very different types of love:
We love (have an appreciation for) ice-cream and puppies.
We love (have a concern for the welfare of) people like our children, parents, and friends.
We love (have romantic feelings for) our spouses.
The Greek language uses three different words to describe these variations of love: eros (romantic love), phílos (brotherly or friendship love), and agapé (concern for the welfare of others).
Interestingly, the word eros does not appear in the New Testament. Of the remaining two words, agapé (and its verb form agapáō) is used over 200 times. It describes the love God has for people, and the love people have for one another. True agapé carries a connotation for both action and emotion. It is the word the Apostle Paul used in his well-known description of love:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV)
Paul’s description shows me how love can be a decision. I may not feel loving, but I can choose to be loving when I:
- decide to be patient or kind
- refuse to desire something that doesn’t belong to me
- stay humble and focus on the needs of the other person
- show respect by the way I treat and talk about the other person
- control my anger
- decline to hold a grudge
- give the other person the benefit of the doubt
- pray for the other person
None of the above requires me to feel loving. But when I practice these principles, I make the decision to love the other person.
I can’t say it has been easy to extend love to someone who inexplicably rubs me the wrong way. Sometimes I give in to my sinful nature and react in unloving ways. But I am making progress. And the more I decide to love, the more loving I feel.
Wherever our roads lead us, we will undoubtedly run into people who will be difficult for us to love. May we make the decision to love these people and so honor the One who loves us.
Merci Shirley pour ton message. Toujours très bien écrit et plein de tendresse. Tes mots d’aujourd’hui m’ont déjà inspirée ce matin! J’ai prié et écrit un petit texto à quelqu’un qui est dans cette catégorie de personnes 😉
Bises
Merci Emmanuelle. Je prie pour que ton texte ait été bien reçu. Bises! ????
Thanks so much Shirley, for the great reminder that we can choose to be loving with our actions, no matter how we feel, and that our actions can actually impact our feelings! Love it!
Thank you, Jenn for your encouraging words! I’m glad you found the post helpful. ????
Excellent reminder! Love requires humility in our hearts.
This sums up parenting of my teenagers . Seriously.
Karen, I remember the days of parenting teens. It does require so many decisions to love unconditionally. I’m praying for you as I publish this reply. ????