When I Need To Extend Grace To Myself

“You sure love to beat yourself up.”

Sighing, I realized the truth of my friend’s words. After stepping out of my comfort zone and trying something new, I nitpicked my performance, noting every flaw and imperfection.

Yet as hard and demanding as I am with myself, I can be soft and gracious with others. I easily embrace the Golden Rule given to us by Jesus:

So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. (Matthew 7:12 NIV)

But lately I’ve been thinking people like me need an additional clause:

So in everything, do for yourself what you do for others. 

How can it be so easy for me to extend grace to others, but withhold it from myself?

I think the confusion arises from a misunderstanding of the work of the Holy Spirit and that of Satan. I fail to recognize the difference between being convicted of sin and feeling accused of it. 

As Jesus prepared the disciples for His departure, He promised to send them a Helper, the Holy Spirit:

And when he comes, he will convict the world concerning sin and righteousness and judgment… (John 16:8 ESV)

In the book of Revelation, we get a unique glimpse into one of the ways Satan works:

And I heard a loud voice in heaven, saying, “Now the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God and the authority of his Christ have come, for the accuser of our brothers has been thrown down, who accuses them day and night before our God. (Revelation 12:10 ESV)

The Holy Spirit convicts us of sin and Satan tirelessly accuses us of it. So what’s the difference?

In my experience, when the Holy Spirit convicts me of sin, I see a clear solution. I need to right a wrong. Almost always this requires an apology, both to God and to anyone else I’ve hurt by my sin. But it also requires repentance, a decision to do better in the future. Repentance draws me toward God and leaves me feeling refreshed:

Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord… (Acts 3:19 NIV)

By contrast, accusations create feelings of guilt and shame which may or may not be the result of sin. In my recent experience, I didn’t sin. I just didn’t perform as well as I would have liked. As these guilty feelings lead me in a downward spiral of introspection, I find myself pulling away from God. 

When guilty feelings give way to negative self-talk, I know I suffer from accusation. When this happens, I need to spend some time with the Lord and ask: Have I sinned? 

If I have sinned, I set a course for repentance. What do I need to do to right this wrong? What will I do differently the next time I face the same temptation?

If I haven’t sinned, I need to draw near to God. I find this Scripture particularly helpful:

Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. (Hebrews 4:16 ESV)

Usually I associate grace with the forgiveness of sin, but the Greek word translated as grace, charis, can also mean a kindness or favor. When I feel accused, but can’t identify a sin, I still need His grace so I can:

• recover from an innocent mistake
• grow and learn from failure
• silence my negative self-talk

As I pray to God and ask for His grace, I find this promise at work:

And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work. (2 Corinthians 9:8 ESV)

To extend grace to myself, I must accept the grace He gives. 

As I embrace being Spirit-led in 2021, I will continue to step out of my comfort zone. Growing pains tend to lead me to feelings of accusation. 

Wherever the journey takes me, I pray to draw near to the One who extends me grace in my time of need. Wherever you are in your journey, I pray the same for you.