When The “Could Haves” Attack

Sobbing so hard she could hardly breathe, my daughter gasped out four words. The four words I heard stopped my heart and threw me off balance. “My baby just died.”

Fortunately, my son-in-law intervened and clarified my daughter’s actual words. “My baby has jaundice.”

Normally, jaundice itself would create anxiety. But in comparison with what I thought I heard? It actually brought relief.

Still, my anxiety continued well after the phone conversation. When my husband asked me why, I couldn’t immediately pinpoint the answer. But then it hit me.

The words I thought I heard did not describe our reality, but they opened my mind to their possibility. The worst case scenario didn’t happen, but suddenly I became aware that it could have.

And so began a battle of the “could haves”. I’m familiar with the anxiety created by what could have happened: 

• A car accident totaled my car but left me and my infant son intact. Thinking of what could have happened left me fearful to drive. 
• A jet ski tipped over, tossing me and my toddler daughter into a lake. Holding tightly to her, we made it back to shore safely. But the scene continually replayed in my mind, constantly reminding me of what could have happened.

Just as with all anxiety, the battle for peace begins in my mind. I love the promise embedded in these verses:

You will keep in perfect peace
   those whose minds are steadfast
   because they trust in you. 

Trust in the Lord forever,
   for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal. (Isaiah 26:3-4 NIV)

To get the phrase perfect peace, the original Hebrew language repeated the word for peace: shalom, shalom. The repetition indicates intensity and communicates a peace which is sound, complete, or whole.

The Lord Himself will keep us in this state of perfect peace when our minds remain steadfast. The verb for steadfast in Hebrew, samak, means to lean, lay, rest, or support. In English, steadfast means firmly fixed in place, or immovable. When I entertain thoughts of what could have happened, I move my mind away from being steadfast and I lose the promised perfect peace.

Trusting in the Lord protects my mind and makes it steadfast. The prophet Isaiah reminds me we can trust the Lord because He is the eternal Rock. 

The Hebrew word for Rock, tsur, can be translated as a rock, boulder or strength. When used figuratively, it can mean a refuge. We can trust the Lord because He is a source of strength and protection that will endure forever. 

While my granddaughter recovered from jaundice, I battled the “could haves”. Meditating on these verses steadied my mind and reminded me of the Lord’s strength. The peace I had lost, returned.

I cannot give myself peace. But I can keep my mind focused on the Lord. When I do that, He keeps me in perfect peace. 

Life is risky. No doubt I will face many more attacks of the “could haves” on the road ahead. Whenever this happens I pray to fix my mind on the One who is the Eternal Rock. I pray you find perfect peace by doing the same.